For most people, they have no idea what is going on with me. I try to keep everything together even if I am struggling to keep it together. A month ago I really opened up to my small group with how I was feeling. I was stuck in a place where I am lazy with everything in my life. I was challenged to figure out what the root to it was. I first thought it was the fact that I have made very few friends in PA. Most of my days are spent alone. As much as I wish I had more friends, I have hope that I will continue to meet more people. That was not the reason for my laziness. Then I figured it was because I was single. Don't worry I am not a desperate woman by any means. There is alot of emotions that come along with being 32 and never had a boyfriend. That issue is one that I struggle with off and on. But once again I have hope that God has a man for me. I may not meet him until I am 40 or so but we will have the rest of our lives together. Still not the root to my laziness. I thought it was my stressful job that was wearing me down on so many levels. I felt like I only had energy to watch TV. I now have I less stressful job which I like. Yet I still come home and I am not motivated to do anything. I guessed it had to be that I have gained over 40 pounds in the last 2 years. I am heavier now than my heaviest. Nothing fits but I don't have money to buy anything. I buy stuff at Goodwill that doesn't make me feel pretty. I look in the mirror and wonder how I had fallen so far. But I know that if I work hard I can get back to where I was. Still no underlying reason for my laziness. I started to think that something was seriously wrong with me.
Then last night it hit me. I feel like a failure. I worked so hard to lose 35 pounds and dropped a couple of sizes. Then I let it all go and now I have work harder than before just to get back to the place where I was. Every time I start to make progress with eating right and working out, something derails it like stress, money, time, and weather. I just want to get back on track but I can't let go of the shame in gaining all the weight. If that was the only thing that was bothering me. Financially I am better than I was 3 years ago but I am still paying back debts that keep me from getting to my dream. I would love to buy a house or a condo. Instead I live with roommates at the age of 32. I like my roommates but I feel like I should live by myself. In the last 3 years, I have had to ask for money from my parents more times than I would like. I should be at the age that I am saving for the future not struggling to pay my bills every month. I would love to own a dog but I know that I can't afford one and that makes me sad. I really wonder if I will ever stop feeling like I am drowning in debt. Before anyone worries, I am not drowning in debt but it feel like it. I should have a big chunk of my debt paid off in a year and half. But that feels so far away. Now I am feeling the shame from mistakes I made with money 8-10 years ago. I struggle with something that seems to always find its way back into my life. I think that I am finally over it and it pops back up. It has been an up and down battle for a year now. No matter my game plan, it always ends in failure. The pressure of my current and past failures haunts me everyday. Just easier to not try than open myself up to new failures.
I write this more to admit to myself that I am afraid of failing. I also needed to stop hiding behind my wall of everything is great and wonderful. Please pray that I find the strengthen in Christ to get up and battle my fear and shame.
Phil 4:13 -I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Isaiah 40:29 - He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless.
My all time favorite verse:
Ps 25:4-5 - Make Your ways known to me, Lord; teach me your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; I wait for You all day long.
