I have been struggling with my singleness a lot over the last 6 months. There are many reason for that but the main one is that I have a hard time trusting that God has an amazing man out there for me. I start thinking that God has some lame guy for me that I will put up with just so I won't have to be alone. Deep down I know that God wants to give me good things. I have realized something. I don't talk about my struggle with my singleness with people. Partly because I figured all my married friends have no care to hear about it. Partly because well meaning people make me feel broken.
Common responses:
-Just focus on Jesus (makes me feel like it is wrong that I struggle with my singleness)
-Stop looking and someone will come along (What a load of crap! I guess I should just ignore all good looking, funny, godly mean. They will totally pursue a girl who seems uninterested.)
-Maybe you should try online dating (Been there done that. Online dating isn't a solution. I have give you a whole list of reason why it doesn't work for me.)
-Maybe you should be focused on who God wants you to be (Everyone has stuff to work on spiritually whether you are single or married. God isn't waiting on me to be perfect to show me who he has for me)
-Just enjoy being single (I have enjoyed my single life. It has allowed me to move around, have adventures, and have random fun with random friends. I am 32 years old. I done with the single life. I want someone to share my life with. I would like to have a kid someday and gets less likely everyday)
-There is someone out there for everyone. (This one I laugh off but nice try.)
-Your standards are too high maybe you need to compromise (I don't have high standards. All I want is a man who loves Jesus, makes me laugh, loves sports, and is good looking.)
Some people do have encouraging things to say to me.
-I love when people are super shocked that I have never had a boyfriend. Some days I really believe that makes complete sense.
-There is a man out there that will love you for you. He won't care about your weight. This one is still hard to believe. (Sorry men but you are the reason this is hard for me to believe)
-You are amazing and I pray that God will send you a guy that will see that too.
-That sucks! (It is ok to admit that it is hard to be single at the age of 32. Sometimes I just need to know I am normal and not super crazy.)
It is easy for me to be hard on myself. It is easy for me to think that I am so far from being perfect for God to bring me a man. It is easy for me to think that I would be a horrible wife and mother.
It is not easy for me to believe that a guy who meets me will be interested in me. It is not easy for me to believe that after no one asking me out that today will be the day that changes. It is not easy for me to believe that I have anything to offer a man except my deep love of sports.
If you have ever said any of the above comments, I still love you. I know where your heart is!
Not posting this to Facebook, so I will be shocked if anyone reads this! I really think I need to start posting some funny posts before you all think I have turned super emotional and serious.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
A Long 2 Years
For most people, they have no idea what is going on with me. I try to keep everything together even if I am struggling to keep it together. A month ago I really opened up to my small group with how I was feeling. I was stuck in a place where I am lazy with everything in my life. I was challenged to figure out what the root to it was. I first thought it was the fact that I have made very few friends in PA. Most of my days are spent alone. As much as I wish I had more friends, I have hope that I will continue to meet more people. That was not the reason for my laziness. Then I figured it was because I was single. Don't worry I am not a desperate woman by any means. There is alot of emotions that come along with being 32 and never had a boyfriend. That issue is one that I struggle with off and on. But once again I have hope that God has a man for me. I may not meet him until I am 40 or so but we will have the rest of our lives together. Still not the root to my laziness. I thought it was my stressful job that was wearing me down on so many levels. I felt like I only had energy to watch TV. I now have I less stressful job which I like. Yet I still come home and I am not motivated to do anything. I guessed it had to be that I have gained over 40 pounds in the last 2 years. I am heavier now than my heaviest. Nothing fits but I don't have money to buy anything. I buy stuff at Goodwill that doesn't make me feel pretty. I look in the mirror and wonder how I had fallen so far. But I know that if I work hard I can get back to where I was. Still no underlying reason for my laziness. I started to think that something was seriously wrong with me.
Then last night it hit me. I feel like a failure. I worked so hard to lose 35 pounds and dropped a couple of sizes. Then I let it all go and now I have work harder than before just to get back to the place where I was. Every time I start to make progress with eating right and working out, something derails it like stress, money, time, and weather. I just want to get back on track but I can't let go of the shame in gaining all the weight. If that was the only thing that was bothering me. Financially I am better than I was 3 years ago but I am still paying back debts that keep me from getting to my dream. I would love to buy a house or a condo. Instead I live with roommates at the age of 32. I like my roommates but I feel like I should live by myself. In the last 3 years, I have had to ask for money from my parents more times than I would like. I should be at the age that I am saving for the future not struggling to pay my bills every month. I would love to own a dog but I know that I can't afford one and that makes me sad. I really wonder if I will ever stop feeling like I am drowning in debt. Before anyone worries, I am not drowning in debt but it feel like it. I should have a big chunk of my debt paid off in a year and half. But that feels so far away. Now I am feeling the shame from mistakes I made with money 8-10 years ago. I struggle with something that seems to always find its way back into my life. I think that I am finally over it and it pops back up. It has been an up and down battle for a year now. No matter my game plan, it always ends in failure. The pressure of my current and past failures haunts me everyday. Just easier to not try than open myself up to new failures.
I write this more to admit to myself that I am afraid of failing. I also needed to stop hiding behind my wall of everything is great and wonderful. Please pray that I find the strengthen in Christ to get up and battle my fear and shame.
Phil 4:13 -I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Isaiah 40:29 - He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless.
My all time favorite verse:
Ps 25:4-5 - Make Your ways known to me, Lord; teach me your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; I wait for You all day long.
Then last night it hit me. I feel like a failure. I worked so hard to lose 35 pounds and dropped a couple of sizes. Then I let it all go and now I have work harder than before just to get back to the place where I was. Every time I start to make progress with eating right and working out, something derails it like stress, money, time, and weather. I just want to get back on track but I can't let go of the shame in gaining all the weight. If that was the only thing that was bothering me. Financially I am better than I was 3 years ago but I am still paying back debts that keep me from getting to my dream. I would love to buy a house or a condo. Instead I live with roommates at the age of 32. I like my roommates but I feel like I should live by myself. In the last 3 years, I have had to ask for money from my parents more times than I would like. I should be at the age that I am saving for the future not struggling to pay my bills every month. I would love to own a dog but I know that I can't afford one and that makes me sad. I really wonder if I will ever stop feeling like I am drowning in debt. Before anyone worries, I am not drowning in debt but it feel like it. I should have a big chunk of my debt paid off in a year and half. But that feels so far away. Now I am feeling the shame from mistakes I made with money 8-10 years ago. I struggle with something that seems to always find its way back into my life. I think that I am finally over it and it pops back up. It has been an up and down battle for a year now. No matter my game plan, it always ends in failure. The pressure of my current and past failures haunts me everyday. Just easier to not try than open myself up to new failures.
I write this more to admit to myself that I am afraid of failing. I also needed to stop hiding behind my wall of everything is great and wonderful. Please pray that I find the strengthen in Christ to get up and battle my fear and shame.
Phil 4:13 -I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Isaiah 40:29 - He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless.
My all time favorite verse:
Ps 25:4-5 - Make Your ways known to me, Lord; teach me your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; I wait for You all day long.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Internet Dating and Stuff
It has been a few months since I have written. Quick update! I have yet to get on a sustainable healthy eating plan. I could list a bunch of excuses but that accomplishes nothing. I have decided to go back to what helped me a few years ago. I am going to be counting calories and trying to eat mostly natural foods. That means no more mac and cheese, frozen burritos, ice cream, and fast food. It will be nice eating tortellini salad, chicken pasta, taco salad, and jambalaya again. I never thought I would say that missed eating tomatoes. LOL! I also have not been consistently working out and running. The weight lost from the beginning of the year is 5 pounds. It is better than gaining but I need to step up my game. I am feeling confident that could happen since I changed jobs. After looking for a new job for the last 9 months, I have a job as an operations assistant at an IT company. It is great to have a Monday-Friday job. I liked my schedule where I worked 4 days a week. But it was a stressful schedule that was wearing on me. It was also a stressful job. That combo was becoming very hard to keep up. Exciting to have a job in a less stressful environment with nice people that has a more workable schedule. I have even gotten to share some of my Christian views and convictions with a co-worker after only working there a week. The future is looking good.
Oddly enough the reason for this post is to share my thoughts and experience on internet dating. Currently I am on 2 different sites. I am paying for eHarmony. I am not paying for Christian Mingle. It still amazes me when guys want to start communicating with me when they don't hold Jesus close. My profile clearly states my commitment to Christ. On eHarmony, it takes the first round of questions where I ask for their thoughts on premartial sex to get them to close me as a match. At this point not one person has answered with saving sex for marriage. It surprises me and saddens me that people that claim to be Christians don't claim God's call to be pure. They write their own rules. On Christian Mingle, it shows me how much people call themselves Christians but hold no beliefs or values. They don't value church. It also really creeps me out that men in their 40's, 50's, and 60's look at my profile, send me smiles, and try to chat with me. It shows me how Christian Mingle and eHarmony may not be the best place to meet solid Christian men. The world would tell me and some people have that my standards are too high and I need to be realistic. There have been moments when I thought that I needed to give people a chance that don't have the same values as me. I think how hard it would be to get out of a relationship with someone I care about because I know there is no future. All I can do is pray that God has someone out there for me. I need to remember that God can make that happen even if I don't see any possibilities. I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow!
Thanks for reading through my random thoughts!
Oddly enough the reason for this post is to share my thoughts and experience on internet dating. Currently I am on 2 different sites. I am paying for eHarmony. I am not paying for Christian Mingle. It still amazes me when guys want to start communicating with me when they don't hold Jesus close. My profile clearly states my commitment to Christ. On eHarmony, it takes the first round of questions where I ask for their thoughts on premartial sex to get them to close me as a match. At this point not one person has answered with saving sex for marriage. It surprises me and saddens me that people that claim to be Christians don't claim God's call to be pure. They write their own rules. On Christian Mingle, it shows me how much people call themselves Christians but hold no beliefs or values. They don't value church. It also really creeps me out that men in their 40's, 50's, and 60's look at my profile, send me smiles, and try to chat with me. It shows me how Christian Mingle and eHarmony may not be the best place to meet solid Christian men. The world would tell me and some people have that my standards are too high and I need to be realistic. There have been moments when I thought that I needed to give people a chance that don't have the same values as me. I think how hard it would be to get out of a relationship with someone I care about because I know there is no future. All I can do is pray that God has someone out there for me. I need to remember that God can make that happen even if I don't see any possibilities. I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow!
Thanks for reading through my random thoughts!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Welcome 2013
2013 is going to be the year of getting healthy! 2014 will be the year of getting debt paid off!
Here is the skinny (really should be called the fatty) on my weight issue. A few years ago, I lost about 40 pounds. I ended up gaining 10 pounds back in the next year. Since I have moved to PA, I have gained ALL the weight and more. My current weight is 220. My goal weight is 150. The plan is to get to atleast 180 by the end of 2013.
Of course I need a plan for such a lofty goal. My plan at this current time is to start transitioning into the Blood Type diet. Before you decide to tell why you think that is a horrible diet, I have looked into the diet. There is nothing dangerous about the diet. It will just be restricting me from some foods and encouraging me to eat fish, veggies, and fruit. The Blood Type is similar to the Paleo diet that I tried for a month this summer. I had never had so much energy and felt amazing. I even went off of caffeine for that diet. I quit because I was very limited in affordable options. The Blood Type diet still allows me to have coffee, cheese, and rice. It is mainly a diet to get healthy and I hope that I will lose some weight in the process. I am excited for the diet. It is going to be a tough couple of weeks especially if Dr. Ramirez buys cookies everyday at work. If you have any good wheat and corn free recipes please share them.
I am not only changing my diet. I am going to exercise 3-5 times a week. With my work schedule, working out can be hard to fit in. With my limited funds, a gym membership is not an options. I am going to be relying on running and workout videos. I have not done my workout videos for years but they are a cheap options. I am going to pull out the Tae Bo, Power Yoga, Denise Austin, and balance ball video. If I get bored with those, I can pull out my old Step! I won't be planning any races until next year. I used to think that would motivated me to run but I have wasted money on atleast one race I never trained for. I am hoping that I can get in atleast 4 days of exercise a week.
The other half of health is being spiritually healthy. I am still very firm in my beliefs but I have become lazy. I will sometimes go weeks without opening my Bible. I have started 3 books in 2012 that I have not gotten past the 2nd chapter. To be absolutely truthful, I have lost some hope of my situation getting any better. I moved to West Chester with all the hopes in the world. It means being closer to my family and closer to my church which I love! I prayed that a job in the area would follow after. But very little process has been made in the area of finding a job. Then there is the issue of my singleness. Don't worry, I am not desperate or anything. The more I see that people are getting engaged, planning weddings, or having kids, the harder it is for me to be content being single. There are no options and online dating has failed horribly in the past. I want to be excited about Jesus and the plans He has for me again.
I have said all this because I don't feel like I tell anyone the specifics lately. I just say vague things about what is going on in my life. Writing this all done helps me be accountability and helps me face the truth of the situation. Please pray for me as I embarking on a year and hoping a new chapter in my life. If you feel lead to help me with accountability, please contact me by text, Facebook, or email.
I hope you have enjoyed my first post of 2013!
Here is the skinny (really should be called the fatty) on my weight issue. A few years ago, I lost about 40 pounds. I ended up gaining 10 pounds back in the next year. Since I have moved to PA, I have gained ALL the weight and more. My current weight is 220. My goal weight is 150. The plan is to get to atleast 180 by the end of 2013.
Of course I need a plan for such a lofty goal. My plan at this current time is to start transitioning into the Blood Type diet. Before you decide to tell why you think that is a horrible diet, I have looked into the diet. There is nothing dangerous about the diet. It will just be restricting me from some foods and encouraging me to eat fish, veggies, and fruit. The Blood Type is similar to the Paleo diet that I tried for a month this summer. I had never had so much energy and felt amazing. I even went off of caffeine for that diet. I quit because I was very limited in affordable options. The Blood Type diet still allows me to have coffee, cheese, and rice. It is mainly a diet to get healthy and I hope that I will lose some weight in the process. I am excited for the diet. It is going to be a tough couple of weeks especially if Dr. Ramirez buys cookies everyday at work. If you have any good wheat and corn free recipes please share them.
I am not only changing my diet. I am going to exercise 3-5 times a week. With my work schedule, working out can be hard to fit in. With my limited funds, a gym membership is not an options. I am going to be relying on running and workout videos. I have not done my workout videos for years but they are a cheap options. I am going to pull out the Tae Bo, Power Yoga, Denise Austin, and balance ball video. If I get bored with those, I can pull out my old Step! I won't be planning any races until next year. I used to think that would motivated me to run but I have wasted money on atleast one race I never trained for. I am hoping that I can get in atleast 4 days of exercise a week.
The other half of health is being spiritually healthy. I am still very firm in my beliefs but I have become lazy. I will sometimes go weeks without opening my Bible. I have started 3 books in 2012 that I have not gotten past the 2nd chapter. To be absolutely truthful, I have lost some hope of my situation getting any better. I moved to West Chester with all the hopes in the world. It means being closer to my family and closer to my church which I love! I prayed that a job in the area would follow after. But very little process has been made in the area of finding a job. Then there is the issue of my singleness. Don't worry, I am not desperate or anything. The more I see that people are getting engaged, planning weddings, or having kids, the harder it is for me to be content being single. There are no options and online dating has failed horribly in the past. I want to be excited about Jesus and the plans He has for me again.
I have said all this because I don't feel like I tell anyone the specifics lately. I just say vague things about what is going on in my life. Writing this all done helps me be accountability and helps me face the truth of the situation. Please pray for me as I embarking on a year and hoping a new chapter in my life. If you feel lead to help me with accountability, please contact me by text, Facebook, or email.
I hope you have enjoyed my first post of 2013!
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